Daughters take on most of the burden of arranging care for parents

Cheryl Hossle. Credit: Lilian Faithfull Care

Daughters more likely to look for care for parents

Daughters are taking on most of the burden of looking for care for their parents. Women are still often perceived to be the primary caregivers and due to their age they tend to be part of the sandwich generation and are often being squeezed from both ends. They can be on the brink of burnout, pulled between the needs of their ageing parents and their children.

Data from the leading reviews website carehome.co.uk reveals there is a significant gender disparity among children seeking care for their parents. carehome.co.uk found that out of 10,718 care seekers who enquired about a care home for their parents between May 2023 to December 2023, almost two thirds (65%) were women.

January is peak month to look for a care home

January is the peak month to look for a care home with daughters and sons often only realising their parent needs to go into residential care when they spend time with them over the Christmas period.

carehome.co.uk saw a big spike in traffic to the site at the beginning of 2024, with over 375,000 more people visiting its site in January 2024 than in December 2023.

One in 5 care seekers need to find a care home within a week

In most cases, a care home is needed fairly urgently, with 20% (one in five) of care seekers needing to find a care home within a week, and 38% within a month and 25% within 1-3 months. With sons and daughters under these kind of time pressures, looking for a care home for their parent can be daunting and very stressful.

Daughter Cheryl took on task of looking for care for both parents

Cheryl Hossle talked to carehome.co.uk about the challenges she faced when seeking long-term care for her parents. Cheryl took on the task of looking for care for both her parents when her mum Joyce, who had vascular dementia, needed permanent care, and her dad, Derek, who had been caring for her at home, needed respite care.

‘There was a huge sense of responsibility’

Cheryl did eventually find a care home but was dealt a setback when it gave notice to her parents, and she had to start looking all over again. “There was a huge sense of responsibility, as I had to look at what my parents’ needs were, but also think about future needs. There are social and emotional aspects when making choices, in addition to meeting physical needs,” she said.

“Looking for the care home was difficult, especially as the previous home had given a deadline of five weeks to find another home. There were some very busy weeks, when I made many phone calls,” Cheryl recalls.

Cheryl looked at 30 care homes

Cheryl ending up doing research into more than 30 homes before finding the right one for her parents, which was very time-consuming. “I didn’t visit them all, but I did phone calls and drive-bys and trawled through the CQC reports. The initial phone call, or email  is very important as there was no time to see all of the homes. Word of mouth is important too. I also listened to carers’ comments, as they were able to recommend from experience. I was looking for reliability and solidly good reports and I also looked at the activities they offered.”

She was very relieved when she finally found St Faith’s Nursing Home in Cheltenham, which is part of the charity Lilian Faithfull Care.

After 62 years of marriage her parents were able to stay together during a time that ended up being the last six weeks of her father’s life. 

‘Huge comfort knowing my parents were together at the end’

“For my parents the most important thing was a shared room. Looking back, now my father has passed away, this is a huge comfort knowing that my parents were together at the end. 

“It remains a huge relief to have found St Faith’s. The quality of care is exceptional. The carers are constantly telling me snippets about my mother’s week and this is something I look forward to when I visit each week.”

Joyce and Derek stayed in a double room in St Faith’s Fairhaven Suite which specialises in end of life care.  “The carers were so brilliant and very gentle with him.  I honestly don’t think you could get better care. When the phone call came saying that Dad had passed away, the nurse who called me was able to talk me through the next steps and what we needed to do,” says Cheryl.

Son Martyn took on task of looking for care

It is not always the daughter that takes on the burden of looking for care for parents. Martyn Williams took on the task of looking for a care home for his mum who is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s.

“My Dad has been caring for my Mum who is 81 as a registered carer for the last three years. She got pneumonia recently so had to go into hospital and she deteriorated quite significantly in terms of her dementia due to the pneumonia.

Discharge to Assess

“The hospital was talking about Discharge to Assess which is when someone is well enough to leave hospital but not well enough to return to where they were living before. So rather than going with where the hospital wanted to put her, we decided to start looking for a care home ourselves that would be close to our homes near Plymouth.”

Martyn has two brothers but with one living in Sydney and the other living in the US it fell to him to take on the practicalities of looking for a care home.

Free care helpline

“I googled how to choose a care home and carehome.co.uk came up and I saw they had a free helpline to help people when they are looking for a care home.

“I spoke to Janine and she was very helpful. I talked to her about my mum’s needs and her background and she helped me decide whether she needed a residential care home or a nursing home.”

With the help of carehome’s care helpline, Martyn managed to find a care home that is half a mile away.

‘It’s better for Mum being in a care home’

A hospital is a very clinical experience and it made her more confused and a bit scared. Now she has her own room and it feels more homely. It is much better for Mum being in a care home.

“I took time off work so we could sort out Mum’s move into the care home.”

It has made a huge difference to Martyn’s dad as he says: “The real win is for my Dad who is 82 as he found going to the hospital really stressful and before my Mum went into hospital, he was struggling but didn’t want to admit he needed more help. Now he can focus on being a loving husband again.

“Since she went into the care home, he goes in the morning and helps her eat her breakfast and stays there all day with her till after suppertime. He is amazing.”

If you would like some free guidance and help on looking for a care home you can call carehome.co.uk care helpline on 01488 501194.