Dementia and lying: Is my loved one really lying and why?

Dementia can cause various behavioural changes in the person experiencing it and one of the changes you may notice in a loved one is that they appear to be lying on a regular basis.

Is lying a symptom of dementia?

Most people with dementia do not lie intentionally. They do it as a coping mechanism to cover up their difficulties with memory and confusion.

In many cases, these falsehoods may be entirely accidental and they are only mistaken rather than lying.

Sometimes the lies may be elaborate tales that aren’t very well thought out and fall apart at the slightest questioning. This can be because dementia can diminish a person’s capacity for reasoning. This, alongside being unable to remember the true situation well enough to align the lie with it, or premeditate any questions you may ask, can make it extremely difficult to concoct a convincing story.

It’s very normal to tell white lies and many of us have encountered somebody who appears to lie compulsively.

Pathological lying is a real condition in which the person tells multiple lies a day for no real gain. Some people habitually lie with purpose. This ease of fibbing can be a sign of a personality disorder. It can also be that the person is on the autistic spectrum, with the lies being part of masking. This can be due to difficulty expressing their real emotions or as a means of relating to others and joining in a conversation that they otherwise feel unable to take part in.

Reasons for lying in people with dementia are often linked to their memory problems and the difficulty of living with the condition, rather than any malice. Below are some reasons your loved one who has dementia may be regularly telling lies.

They’re telling what they believe is the truth

It’s likely that your loved one is not intentionally deceiving you. They may really believe that what they’re saying is true.

Keep in mind that sometimes the person may actually be right. It’s not fair to assume that their version of events is necessarily wrong. People with memory problems can still retain some things accurately.

If the person is mistaken but believe what they are saying is true, this can be due to dementia symptoms:

Confusion

A very common symptom of dementia is difficulty with memory, particularly forming and retaining new memories.

When you have memory problems, as well as forgetting events or conversations, the recollections you do have can connect up very differently in your brain. The dates of events, people involved and conversations had can mix up and create very different timelines.

Confabulation

People who live with dementia can experience a strange phenomenon called confabulation. This is an entirely false or distorted memory. The event didn’t really happen but they have, what feels like, a very real memory of it.

Confabulations happen when there are gaps in memory that the brain subconsciously fills in with a false one.

You can read more about confabulation in our confabulation article.

Hallucinations and delusions

The damage to the brain that dementia causes can result in a person experiencing hallucinations and delusions.

Hallucinations are when a person sees, hears, feels, smells or tastes something that isn’t really there, but can feel very real indeed.

Delusions are false beliefs that have no basis in reality. In a person living with dementia they can be due to memory loss and confusion, with snippets of real memory merging together to form a false narrative.

If your loved one is experiencing these, they may be telling you what they really believe is true because that was their honest experience.

They are embarrassed that they can’t remember the truth

Living with memory issues, plus many of the other symptoms of dementia, can be very damaging to a person’s self-esteem.

Nobody wants to feel that they can’t get anything right or are boring others by saying or asking something again and again.

In telling fibs, your loved one may be feeling embarrassed that they cannot remember the truth and so are covering up for that.

This can be due to more than saving face, they may be afraid of what might happen if they lose their mental capacity and are trying to hide the extent of their difficulties in order to sound more capable and independent than they are really feeling.

They are hiding the truth

It can happen that the person is lying to save face because they do remember what really happened, but are embarrassed to tell you the truth. As mentioned, memory problems and other symptoms of dementia can be hard on self-confidence and they may be trying to hide their true experiences.

For example, they may claim the shop was shut because they are embarrassed that they forgot their purse, or say that the bus didn’t turn up because they don’t want to admit that they got confused and got on the wrong bus.

It’s also possible that they are hiding the truth about how their condition is affecting their daily life for your sake, as they don’t want you to worry or give your time to helping them. They may even think they are telling you what you want to hear.

If they are really struggling and lying to hide this, it may also be that they are reluctant to accept professional help or support, due to fear, pride or even financial reasons. Read about how to persuade someone to accept support.

They are struggling with their mental health

As well as damaging self-worth, living with the challenges of dementia can lead to poor mental health.

Lies can be indicative of a true feeling that the person feels unable to explain, whether that be because they can’t remember exactly why they are feeling that way or are unable to find the words (another difficulty of dementia).

Dementia can also cause long-buried memories and feelings to bubble to the surface, as it were, of a person’s mind. If they are feeling down or even experiencing depression, they may be unable to help but dwell on sad events from years and years ago, though the details of these may have become distorted or simplified to the point where they aren’t the true course of events. The emotion behind the story though, could be very real and the person may need support to express their feelings.

How to cope with lying in somebody living with dementia

It doesn’t feel good to be lied to. It can also be upsetting if the person really believes that what they’re saying is true and is distressed by it; trying to explain that the thing they are upset about isn’t true can be stressful for you both.

Here are some tips on managing frequent lying in a loved one living with dementia.

Don’t take it personally

It’s really frustrating to be lied to all the time. It’s easy to take it as an insult to your intelligence that the person really thinks they’re pulling the wool over your eyes, but remember that in any situation, lying is about the liar not you.

Compulsive liars often think they’re a lot cleverer than they are and that people really fall for their nonsense, but for a person with dementia their brain function is truly damaged. They are experiencing a debilitating and progressive illness that may mean they cannot help their lying (or simply mistakes), or that it is an indicator of real emotions or difficulties with daily living that they need support with.

Decide if it’s worthwhile calling them out on a lie

With a standard compulsive liar, trying to call them out on their tales is often a waste of time and emotional energy as they defend their lie with further lies and rarely just admit to it.

Deciding whether to correct somebody who is living with dementia is very different. Correcting them on every mistake or fib can really damage their confidence and in turn cause stress that makes their cognitive abilities worse.

There is a method of communicating with people who live with dementia called Validation Therapy. This is when rather than correcting a false statement, you validate the true emotion behind it.

Read more about Validation Therapy and whether to correct someone with dementia.

Help them to find support

Consider the meaning behind why your loved one is lying to you. It could speak volumes of how dementia is affecting them and struggles they are having with day to day living.

It could also tell you about their current mental health. They may be telling falsehoods to try to relate to you because they are feeling lonely or without purpose.

It may be helpful to find them support with the underlying cause, whether that is care or mental health support.