How to cope with the guilt of putting someone in a care home

John and Nula Suchet. Credit: carehome.co.uk

Coping with guilt

Coping with feelings of guilt can be overwhelming when making that decision to place your parent or loved one in a care home.

Experiencing a lot of emotions during this time is completely normal and there are ways to manage your guilt and steps you can take to cope with it.

How do you overcome guilt of putting someone in a care home?

Realise that your loved one is in good hands at a care home

Care homes exist with the purpose of taking care of people who need it. The people who work there are professional, vetted care professionals and have the training and tools needed to care for your loved one 24 hours a day.

Think of the benefits of living in a care home

Depending on your loved one’s situation prior to moving into a care home, they can now frequently socialise and take part in activities and be served nutritious food. They may have been living on their own and unable to go out much due to mobility issues. The level of care provided in a care home may improve their independence.

Take care of yourself

Caring for someone can be a full-time job and can have negative effects on your own wellbeing, including your relationships with friends and family. It can be easy to neglect yourself when you care for a loved one but they would want you to be happy and still enjoy life. It is important to remember you need to look after yourself too.

Talk to someone

Coping with feelings of guilt when placing someone in a care home in this situation is very common, which means you are not alone. Talking about your emotions and receiving support from others can be extremely helpful. There are support groups where you can talk to people in a similar situation to yourself and share experiences. If you are struggling for a period of time, consider speaking to a mental health professional.

John and Nula Suchet talk about the guilt they felt

You can watch John and Nula Suchet talking about their experiences of having their partners living with dementia in the video below.

TV and radio presenter John Suchet and his wife, interior designer Nula Suchet, met while their spouses were living in a care home. John’s late wife Bonnie was diagnosed with dementia in 2006 and died in 2015. James Black, Nula’s husband, died in 2014, 10 years after he was diagnosed with Pick’s disease.

John and Nula told carehome.co.uk that putting their loved ones in a care home was one of the hardest things they had ever done.

“Handing him over was like betraying my child”

“I felt a total traitor,” Nula said about putting James into the care home.

“The guilt of handing him over was worse than ever. I couldn’t wait to go to the care home, and I would look for him in the corridors or whatever and find him, and then leaving him… I always ended up in tears.”

After Nula and John met each other, they shared their experiences and began to try living a normal life again, but the feeling of guilt was still present.

How can Admiral Nurses help?

Admiral Nurses offers specialist dementia support to the person living with dementia as well as their family.

John Suchet said: “I had an Admiral Nurse and he said to me, ‘whatever you do, try not to feel guilt over it because if you don’t get out there and get a life then dementia has got you too and it’s got two for the price of one. The way to beat dementia is to carry on as far as you can living a normal life with normal relationships.”

Sarah Oakwood, who is an Admiral Nurse for the Weston Area Health NHS Trust (WAHT) and supported by Dementia UK, has worked in dementia care for 30 years.

She says: “Talking to other people about it, being open and honest about how you’re feeling in that situation and then, because in having those open and honest dialogues, then maybe there are things that you can let go of because you now understand that actually that’s not your responsibility.

“You’ll often hear this with families, particularly with spousal carers, where somebody says, ‘I promised I would never put them in a care home and now we’ve reached a point where actually I can’t manage to continue to deliver the care that they need’.

“Whilst it’s absolutely okay to feel guilty about it, it’s also okay that now they understand that they have to make a different decision to the one that they thought they might have to make at the beginning of that journey.”

Think about what is best for your loved one

Even if putting your loved one in a care home is rationally the best decision to make, it can be very difficult to hand over the duty of care. In this situation, it is common to feel guilt, which can present itself because you feel as if you have abandoned your loved, or because you feel you didn’t do enough.

Managing the guilt of putting your loved into a care home is an ongoing process but identifying what provokes the feeling is a good place to start. Doing this can help you detach yourself from the emotions involved and see the situation from a rational point of view, which can make you feel better about the situation: What is actually the best decision for your loved one?

How do you cope with caregiver guilt?

If you feel that you are no longer able to manage your loved one’s care needs, the logical step is to find a way to ensure they are. Caring for a loved one is a huge task and often their condition will decline over time. This can result in an increase in responsibility and pressure on you as a caregiver.

Accepting you can no longer meet your loved one’s care needs can help you cope with the guilt of putting your loved one into a care home. The people working in care homes are professional, qualified care workers who will be able to support your loved one around the clock.

An important thing to remember is that you will be able to regularly visit your loved one and still be able to provide support and influence their care, but without the constant responsibility. It allows you to enjoy the time together without the added pressure.

If your loved one’s care needs, as well as social and emotional needs, are best met in a care home, you know you have made the best decision