Most families put off conversations about care with only one in six discussing it

The majority of people (57 per cent) have not even started discussing future care needs with older relatives - with many finding it too uncomfortable and upsetting and fearing it might cause an argument.

Fewer than one in six adults (15 per cent) of people have spoken to older members of their family about their future care needs and know their exact wishes, according to research by care provider Helping Hands Home Care.

Many people put off discussing the need for care with their relative because of concerns over how they themselves would react – 24 per cent said they felt uncomfortable, while a fifth (19 per cent) said they were upset having the conversation.

Of those people who have had an older relative needing care, only a third (34 per cent) said they were happy to speak to them about it.

Some 23 per cent said they were worried about offending their relative while one in ten thought the conversation would lead to an argument.

Research was carried out for Helping Hands by Consumer Intelligence in October 2020.

One in five people (21 per cent) whose parents have needed care say they wish their mum or dad had received professional help sooner and 10 per cent say that if they had a conversation about care earlier, it could have prevented accidents in the home.

The research found that of the people whose parents needed care, only 38 per cent said that they had conversations about the possibility of it at the right time.

The most common person to raise the subject of care was their parents’ doctor or other health professional in just over a third (34 per cent) of cases.

‘Lots of conversations’ not a ‘single discussion’

With one in two people predicted to require some form of care during their lives, home care experts Helping Hands is offering advice on tackling the difficult issue of care.

Helping Hands Home Care, which has a network of over 120 regional branches, highlights the importance of having discussions about care early.

Denny Bruce, branch manager of Helping Hands Solihull said: “Broaching the subject of care early will help families have all the information they need to hand when the need for care arises, and it will enable them to fully understand and reassure their relative’s concerns.

“Planning in advance also gives people time to postpone the conversation if it becomes too emotional - it’s important to remain as calm as possible during the discussions.”

Andy Hogarth, CEO at Helping Hands, said: “The potential need for future care and support in the home is a conversation that many families find difficult to have and it’s unlikely to be a single discussion, but lots of conversations over a period of time.

"It’s important to have patience and be prepared to bring in support gradually – that way elderly relatives can get used to the idea without being overwhelmed by a sudden change in lifestyle.”

Advice offered by the care provider includes:

- Choosing the right time and place when they are more likely to be receptive and cooperative.

- Plan your opening line. E.g. if you have noticed your relative's mobility is slower, you could start the conversation with: “It’s a big space to manage on your own, are you finding it okay?” Try not to dive straight into the conversation with opinions or instant solutions such as “I think you need to do this”, as this could create a barrier in the conversation before it has even begun.

- Try to reassure your loved one that the decision is in their hands and you are here to help.

- Listen to them, maintain eye contact and keep your body language open and relaxed will show your loved one that you’re listening to them too. Try to use a gentle and encouraging tone of voice. If they are upset or finding the conversation difficult, allow them to speak for as long as they need to and pay close attention to what they’re saying.

- Take the ‘care’ away. Instead of using the words ‘care’ and ‘carer’, try using words like ‘support’.

- Have patience. Making a decision around care can take weeks, months or even a year or two, but it allows you to take the time to guide your relative and deal with every situation as it comes up.

Helping Hands Home Care’s guide for families looking for conversation starters can be downloaded from the Helping Hands website by clicking here